'How Could It Have All Gone So Wrong?'

Borgess Run Camp organizers conceded today that the 2007 version of the training adventure was "just one grand social experiment that didn't pan out."

Said Camp Mastermind Janeen Docsa, "Do we feel good toying with lives like this? No, of course not. But what people forget is that we had pure intentions."

Those intentions, according to camp critics (many of whom belong to 'renegade' camps), were uncovered when notes, which camp organizers thought had been destroyed, turned up in a compost heap which Docsa had thought was her backup filing system.

According to minutes from last winter, camp organizers were frustrated by the fact that after five years, a "paltry percentage even complete camp" and Run Camp hadn't produced a single PR. Worse, said Docsa, "these renegade spinoff camps have taken from us the little dignity we had."

That was when, according to notes in Tessa Emenheiser's handwriting, "Blaine said 'we've tried everything else. Let's see if humiliation works'."

"We're already humiliated," countered Chris Crowell, according to Tessa's notes.

"No, I mean, let's humiliate the campers," said Lam. "You know, embarrassing photos, talking down to them, getting them lost."

"Why?" chimed in Rob Lillie.

"Hey, we're going to get their money. It's just an experiment."

An experiment gone wrong, according to complaints sent to Janeen Docsa's office.

"Did you say they went to Janeen's office?" asked Lam. "I think we're safe. They won't resurface."

We Get Letters

To The Editor:
Why should I care if a dozen campers get Squishy Knee Syndrome? I've got troubles of my own.
Signed,
No Symphathy Here

Dear No:
No, we don't care either, but because organizers use campers as background dancers, their injuries affected rehearsal schedules and, hence, the postponement of the camp's annual banquet.

To the Editor:
I assume that if the banquet is canceled altogether, we'll get some type of refund for our camp registration fee.
Signed,
Watching My Dollars

Dear Watching:
Unfortunately, because sponsorship dollars will be down (they love their involvement in the banquet), you'll be assessed MORE for camp this year. Be on the lookout for the invoice.

Run Camp Banquet Postponed

Injuries, scheduling conflicts and some mishaps that organizers apparently refuse to discuss have resulted in the postponement of this year's awards banquet, according to Darrin Lund, banquet choreographer.

"I think it all started when the Digginits (shown at left) called and said they were going to be performing in Chicago the night of the banquet," said Lund. "Then, with the difficult footing at Kal-Haven, we heard of at least a dozen cases of the dreaded 'Squishy Knee Syndrome' -- and that's not something we take lightly."

Run camp critics -- small in number, but influential in running circles -- are saying that the stated reasons for the postponement "smack of smokescreen."

"They can say what they want," alleges former Team Leader Bonnie Sexton, "but I heard that they had problems with the nominations for Most Valuable Team Leader and that their Lifetime Achievement Award had gone bust."

Lund acknowledged that a special presentation for six-year camper David Pinto had been put on hold "at least for this year" because of some rowdiness issues at the Gull Lake Run. "Trust me, though," said Lund, "David is still very much in our good graces, and we're confident that when the Ross Township Police finish their investigation, David will be completely exonerated."

Lund also countered that Sexton had insinuated that her "2007 replacement" -- Brian Moon -- had bribed camp officials, asking them to scribble out "Least Valuable Leader" on his team's nominations for his award and replace the words with "Most Valuable Leader."

Said Lund: "Oh, we categorically deny that! We don't accept bribes. We take kickbacks and payoffs after the fact, of course, but to suggest our actions are based on pre-decision bribes -- well, that's just ridiculous." Lund had no explanation as to why Moon was late for his own team meeting last Saturday, nor would he comment on reports that Moon "barely has lieutenant status" on the team anymore.

Regarding the banquet, Lund said: "Big picture, we're regrouping. We'll concede it's been a rough year, weather-wise, but we're not ready to abandon the celebrations altogether. Let's just get through Week 12, shall we?"