Life EMS Takes Over on Race Day . . .

West Michigan Air Care announced this week that they will no longer be the official carrier of the sick and injured at the Borgess Run for the Health of It. Air Care officials denied that fuel prices were a factor.

"What we had was an abuse situation," said Janeen Docsa, who got the word when she went to paint the helicopter in this year's colors, chocolate and robin egg blue. "People were faking illness and injury to get helicopter rides."

The situation proved critical last year when "sick" runners filled Kalamazoo emergency rooms, with the remainder airlifted to Spectrum Health in Grand Rapids. "People did enjoy the view of Gun Lake," Docsa conceded. Life EMS, for years a major sponsor at the event, will take over 'sickie' duties.

Race officials are still bracing for a lot of fake injuries and illnesses this year, though. Said Docsa: "You've got people out there because of dares at work, bar bets and such, and all of a sudden, they're thinking, geez, 'I can 'twist an ankle' here, and be in and out of the Borgess ER faster than I can try to complete a half'."

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Mayer's Charges Break Free

"You can't fire us. We quit!" yelled an angry Matt Mayer, after his team was expelled from Run Camp after Week 8 for "just being too darned good."

Mayer's troops were said to be cranking 7:45 miles down Vincent Drive last Saturday with no prospects of slowing down before they hit Kilgore. "Just not what we were looking for in campers," alleged Camp Official Chris Crowell, who touched off Mayer's ire.

"I think some of this stems from Chris's injury," said Mayer. "We might be able to patch it up by the time we get to Alamo Park. We're going to run that part of the county, with or without Run Camp blessing. We might even charge up the 6th Street Hill. How do you like them apples?"

Week 9 is "Dress Up Your Dog" Day

For many, the highlight of Borgess Run Camp is the day they're allowed to dress up their dogs and bring them to camp. That day this year is Saturday, March 22, known to some in running circles as "Good Saturday."

"I work at Stryker, so you can imagine how I look forward to this," said an elated Mary Frank, whose pups (shown above) typically sport formal attire on Good Saturday. "It pretty much depends on the weather, but Scruffy and Fluffy rarely dress down. Jeans, never," said Frank.

Campers should be aware that puppies won at Run Camp cannot be dressed up and, in fact, should not be brought to camp. "It's a rule that's a little hard to explain," said Camp Activity Coordinator Bryon Bierema. "Just live with it."

Joyce, God forwarded us your letter. Lucky you, Saturday!

Campers Speak Out -- Today's Question: How Would You Rate Run Camp So Far?

"Highly over-rated."

"Severely under-rated, I'd say."

"On a scale of 2 to 4? I'd give it a 3."

"Wait, is 4 the highest or the lowest?"

"I love it. Thanks for the puppy."

Puppy Give-aways to return

Coming under harsh criticism for failing to follow the traditions of earlier years, Run Camp officials have announced that March will be "Puppy Give-Away Month."

"I joined Run Camp because I heard I'd win at least one puppy," said a disheartened 15-year-old camper. "I got nuthin', and from what I can see, no one else is doing much better."

Originally dismissive, if not defensive, Camp Coordinator Blaine Lam blamed the cold temperatures AND global warning on the puppy give-away shortage. "People would just have to put them in their cars, and the poor little things would freeze while we're out running, plus if they kept their cars running during that time, we'd ruin the environment. It was a no-win situation," Lam said.

With temperatures expected to be in the 70s and 80s for much of March, "I think you can expect to see more puppies. Plus, they're easier to steal in Portage."

See ya later, suckers!

Dear Run Campers:

I can no longer produce this blog, as I have just received notification that I am about to inherit $75 million ($75,000,000.00) from a barrister associated with a bank in Nigeria representing my next of kin who tragically died in a plane crash two years ago. I always hoped that something wonderful like this would happen to me, and I also knew that when it did, it would free me up to tell you what I really thought of you jerks.

I'm outa here. Get Bierema to write this thing.

Blaine Lam

Cow abductions continue to plague run camp

Although it's a problem worldwide, the alien abduction of run camp cows continues to hamper effort of Run Camp organizers to provide pastoral scenery for the organization.

"This is the third year in a row we can't seem to keep cattle along Nazareth Road," said Chris Crowell, who carefully plans water stops near where cows graze peacefully.

"As bad as it has been in Kalamazoo," said Crowell, "I'm afraid it's going to be even worse in Portage." For more about the alien abductions click here.

Campers balk at Dental GPS Scheme

Team Leader Gets Experimental Run Camp Implant


Organizers face new hurdles in their attempt to fit all Run Campers with dental implants that provide mile-marker information by a Global Positioning System from the Borgess satellite. A small band of first-time campers, when they found out about the intent of organizers to equip campers with the dental implants, filed a grievance with the Michigan Civil Rights Commission.

"We put the system on hold for now," said Operation Implant Mastermind Kristi Buckham, "but our concerns don't stop there. First, we believe there may have been a 'leak' about the system from one of our Team Leaders in whom we put a prototype implant. Moreover, if campers won't let us do this, what chance do we have with our Camper Hypnosis Program, which we were going to roll out in Portage?"

Organizers had planned to announce to campers to arrive at 4:30 next Saturday morning to meet with the Camp Dentist and get the implants. With the implant, at each mile marker, campers would involuntarily say the distance they had traveled.

Stunning development . . .

Angry and defiant because he felt snubbed last year, the "Voice of the Borgess Run," Chris Crowell, has refused to sing the National Anthem at this year's event. Negotiations broke down last week between Crowell and Borgess, which had taken advantage of a one-time opportunity to have Faith Hill sing at last year's race.

"Chris won't budge," said Race Director Janeen Docsa when she announced that the Paw Paw Chihuahuas would do the honors the morning of April 26.

Desertion: Run Camp's Hidden Shame

Disillusioned Campers Make for the Exits


Run Camp organizers deny it, but their dirty little secret is the mass desertion that hits every year on the first day of camp. This year's desertion was said to be especially bad after campers learned they were being forced to wear booties and listen to long-winded speeches. "I wear booties all week long," said orthopedic surgeon Terry Nelson. "No way I'm getting up Saturday morning and putting those things on."

As of Sunday night, at least two campers were still in the care of the nearby Sisters of St. Joseph, recovering from Chris Crowell's strident demands that "you can do it!"

Run Camp's Spin Doctor, Blaine Lam, attributed the "noticeable" exiting of campers to "an unusually harsh flu season." He said a lot of campers left because they didn't want to contaminate their colleagues. He refused to say how many disgruntled, disappointed and disillusioned campers deserted.