Experts to study handshakes, hugging at camp.

Although his strongly held opinions are widely disseminated at Run Camp, Blaine Lam has had little success in implementing his ideas there. There's no better example than his insistence that "this is NOT a hugging camp. This is a handshaking camp." Camp leaders have hired a team of experts, primarily loveologists, to determine what is best for the future of camp, and they hope to contribute to a larger body of knowledge on the subject, according to Phyllis Florian, who hand-picked the team and who will analyze the data.

"There's no doubt in my mind I'll be vindicated on this issue," said Lam, who claims that strong team bonds are formed by handshakes and introductions.

"Ha!" responds Judah Gesmundo, Run Camp's leading advocate for hugging. "A hug is the handshake of the heart."

Counters Lam: "Forget for a second that it leads to sexual confusion and is exclusionary to those who witness hugging. The bigger issue is this: it calls for an emotional escalation that may outstrip the comfort level the other partner. How does Judah answer that?"

"Simple," replies Gesmundo. "By the time you reach Blaine's age, a little bit of maturity is supposed to kick in. People need four hugs a day for survival, eight hugs a day for maintenance and 12 hugs a day for growth. It's the foundation of love and trust, critical to happiness and personal well being. I thought that's what we were in camp for."

"Possibly," said Lam. "But if I had my way, we'd wear name tags every week, and call roll. Wait, we do call roll."

OK, Mother, son. Hugs excused.




















OK, they fell in love at camp, and got engaged. Hugs excused.

An All Sagittarius Camp?

The first formal grievance of Run Camp was filed late Saturday morninng -- in fact, there were three of them, two by Libras and one by a Taurus -- claiming a strong Zodiac bias favoring Sagittarians. The complaints will be heard this week by the "Things Ain't Right" Review Committee, formed last year to replace the Warlord Committee.

"I knew something was fishy, when it seemed that everyone in a red or blue jacket was being wished Happy Birthday," said Pisces Ben Johnson. "I personally didn't file a grievance, but I'll be interested to see what happens with these. I'm not sure David Stern has anything up on these heavy-handed camp leaders."

Karen and Dale Hadden, along with Judah Gesmundo (below) were singled out for camp comment. While not commenting on the bias itself, Review Committee Chair Dana Schmitt pointed out "it's not unusual to get a lot of complaints in December. Compared to 5Kers, marathoners are a tad bit whiny."

In other camp complaints, several people said they missed Team Leader Tracy Cropsy, who had a family obligation. "And, speaking of letdowns," said Camper Ann Marie Olbrot, "Chris Lampen-Crowell and Rob Lillie were not themselves today."

Goldfish gone, yes, but . . .

Borgess Run Camp organizers have finally come clean and admitted that one of the most cherished traditions at camp -- the Name That Goldfish contest -- is no longer in existence, but questions remain about what caused its absence.

"It's absolutely NOT TRUE that we named the same goldfish three years in a row," claimed former contest administrator Dana Schmitt. "Yes, the world goldfish population is down. Yes, we had a hard time finding a fish to name last year, but no, we never cheated our contestants. So, everyone can stop carping about that, if you'll excuse the expression."

Schmitt and other contest organizers blamed the lack of quality entries in recent years for abandoning the event, typically held early in camp and a favorite of camp rookies. "I mean, seriously, you expect us to hand out an award to someone who came up with the name 'Henry'?"

While other popular camp games, like the Rob Lillie Look Alike Contest, will remain in place, Schmitt said she didn't think losing Name That Goldfish would hurt attendance. "We did want people to know about it before final registration, of course, in case someone made their decision on this. But I think we'll find an adequate replacement."

New clinics are highlight of Camp "transformation"

Borgess Run Camp has seen the error of its ways. While other running organizations survey their members to see what they want, run camp leaders engage in what might best be described as "seat-of-your-pants" thinking. Consequently, they're advising run campers to store up their best thoughts this year and write them down somewhere in May or June. Then, in 2015 or 2016, if any of those thoughts make their way into camp, they may be adopted. Meanwhile, to stay current with the trend to make "transformational changes" in the way business is conducted at run camp, the "Changes" Leadership Council has announced the following lineup of optional clinics, to be held in January:

Clinic #1: "Seat-of-your-pants planning: Why any other approach is stupid." Don't miss this fun-filled learning opportunity, agenda-free, possibly leaderless, definitely harmless session. Times to be announced.

Clinic #2: "Does Your Bird Have Gout?" Avian Vitamin D Toxicosis is hard to recognize, even with parakeets, because, let's face it, they just won't talk about it. Learn the signs and symptoms of this often-misdiagnosed and dreaded disease.

Clinic #3: "The Top 10 Dog Breeds for Run Campers." Sure, you feel bad leaving the kids alone Saturday morning while you go romp in the snow. Here's a list of dogs, and a few other kinds of pets, that will best protect, play with and entertain your abandoned children. Each participant receives a free turtle.

Clinic #4: "It's time you forgot about the Chicago Cubs." This is the definitive, must-attend clinic on how to recognize lost causes, and includes breakout sessions on snarky girlfriends, Republican presidential hopefuls and, if necessary, the Detroit Lions.

Camp Higher-Archy

Q. How does Borgess Run Camp work?

A. Fine.

Q. No, I mean, I've heard there are all kinds of weird titles that people have. Like Brigadier General.

A. That's ridiculous. While it's true that we did employ the use of some Army ranks for the first eight years of camp, and that as recently as last year we did have a few Brigadier Generals, it's our intention for the next eight years to utilize the U.S. Navy "rating" system (technically, they don't have ranks). We have one fully commissioned Lieutenant Commander this year, and we are interviewing for a second, possibly a third. Although the rank/rate of Lieutenant is used (as an aide or sidekick), it is not formally recognized. Note, too, that this is not classically a militaristic organization, as we use some tribal, athletic, civilian and barnyard titles, such as Chief, Coach, Team Leader, Manager, Mother Hen and Duckfoot. Campers are simply known as Campers.




(Lieutenant Commander -- LCDR -- insignia)

This Week's Profile

Although known by many Run Campers as the leader of his beloved Radiators, Darrell Harden is much more famous as a devout fan of the Auburn Tigers and their juggernaut football team. It explains his frequent poses as the Heisman running statue, as Auburn has more Heisman trophy winners than any other SEC team, including the reigning Heisman winner and three times as many as their arch-rival, Alabama. Harden, who works for the Illinois Department of Transportation (but commutes, as he is dating a Kalamazoo girl), was riding high this fall as Auburn captured the national championship. Like other Auburn grads, he is at a loss to explain why the school motto is a tiger, but the school battle cry is "War Eagle."

"Beats me," he explains.

This Test Has Stood The Test of Time

Today you laugh at the things that used to scare you. When will you laugh about what scares you today?


This is the 15th anniversary of the creation of PFQ -- the Personal Fear Quotient -- introduced in the newsletter of this region's first true run camp.

The Campfire Log: Burning Issues from Speed Canyon Camp was written back in the day when men were men and women were fearless. Speed Canyon Camp's only Team Leader Blaine Lam, who got his team members lost on purpose and who hid water stations as a training technique, happened to be the camp's newsletter editor, and he harped incessantly on the theme of overcoming fear. Here, reprinted with his permission, is the PFQ.

All fear basically falls into one of four categories (fear of flying, fear of dying, fear of animals and fear of people with power). Give yourself points for every question to which you can answer yes.

1) Fear of Flying:

a) Been on an airplane (2 pts)

b) Frequent Flyer (depends on airline)

c) Jumped out of an airplane (6 pts)
i) before it took off (minus 12 points)
ii) without parachute (this test is definitely not for you)

d) Visited aviation museum (1 pt)


2) Fear of dying:

a) Looked death in face (2 pts)
i) without direct eye contact (1 pt)
ii) liked what you saw (20 points)

b) Regularly attend funerals (2 pts)
i) only of people you know (1 pt)

3) Fear of animals:

a) Petted snake (3 pts)

b) Have ridden livestock
i) Bull or steer (5 pts)
ii) Cow or calf (2 pts)
iii) Plastic Merry-go-round (1 pt -- hey, it's a start)

c) Picked up spider or mouse (2 pts)

d) Eaten "authentic" Mexican food (3 pts)

e) Owned a ferret (5 pts)


4) Fear of People With Power:

a) Told a naked emperor he's not wearing any clothes (3 pts)

b) Openly criticized Jon Stewart (4 pts)

c) Talked back to your children (3 pts)

d) Suggested to your boss that the two of you add the sum of your two salaries and share the total equally (5 pts)

e) Fought City Hall (2 pts)

f) Fought the law, and the law won (3 pts)

g) Took a swing at someone bigger and stronger than you (must have been sober to qualify) (3 pts)


How to score: 45-60 points: You are fearless. Quit your job . . . 30-44 points: Just normal fears. Might consider spending more time with animals . . . 15-29 points: You are probably afraid of what this test means. . . 1-14 points: Does the thought of getting help frighten you? . . . 0 points: Visit the Air Zoo.

You can overcome fear!

Some experts say that right up there with fear of flying and fear of dying is the fear of trying. Analyze what you want and what's the worst thing that could happen if you tried to achieve it and failed. Or try this exercise: If you could live your life again, what would you do? What do you fear that is keeping you from doing it in this life? Just looking for a good start? Then try taking all the fear out of your daily language. Right now, you're probably saying, "I'm afraid I can't do that." Looking for a good movie on the topic? Rent Defending Your Life, with Meryl Streep.

We get questions. Boy, do we get questions.

As they seek the meaning of life through training to achieve new goals, our curious, curious campers won't give it a rest. In order that we don't have to keep repeating ourselves, here are the answers to the five most commonly asked questions at Run Camp:

1. Why does Jen Lindsay get to sing the National Anthem, and if she gets sick, may I sub in?

A. It's her birthday, that's why. And if she gets sick, take note that we've got the Vienna Boys Choir scheduled to sing "Don't Stop Believing" at the finish line, and they'll be moved into Jen's slot.

2. I've heard there are only 14 aid stations on the marathon course. Can we get a few more set up just for run campers?

A. It's true, we baby run campers, but the answer, unfortunately, is that we can't let the run camp tail wag the marathon dog. Slurpees will be on sale at 7-Eleven. And there's a 13-mile Quit Station in the Winchell neighborhood, where they'll be serving beer. You can fake a quit, have a beer, and resume.

3. What kind of car does Chris Lampen-Crowell drive?

A. He drives a Gazelle, manufactured by New Balance. Sadly, he has to replace it every 500 miles or so.

4. How come no one can ask a serious question around here? Let me rephrase that. How come no one can get a serious answer to a question around here?

A. That's a really good question.

5. What's the fifth-most commonly asked question in run camp?

What's the fifth-most commonly asked question in run camp?

It's True!

Brought up on a series of charges ranging from Excessive Publicity to Upstaging Camp Organizers, Team Leader Sheila Clothier was given a one-week suspension from camp. To the delight of her team members and the amazement of camp officials, Clothier's persona was "transformed" in a manner that drew international attention and was declared a "world first."

"You've heard of people becoming a 'caricature of themselves', reported Eli Wiggleham, executive director of the New Zealand Association of Ufology and Paranormal Phenomena. "Well, Ms. Clothier managed to become a puppet of herself. We have no doubt -- suspension or not -- that woman was at camp Saturday."

To avoid an international incident, camp officials lifted Clothier's suspension immediately.

Run Camp draws an interesting mix of participants.

The "Fourth Friday" numbers have been tabulated, and the annual demographic snapshot of who is attending Run Camp provides the usual blend of predictability and surprises, according to Camp Statistician Joel Pennington.

The demographic people "like to watch" is the male-female breakdown, says Pennington, noting that this year 32 percent of campers are female and 23 percent are male. "I must say the differential is not as great as a lot of people thought it would be. They tend to think we have a lot more women this year," said Pennington, "but this is precisely why we go through this scientific process. Statistics don't lie."

One figure that never seems to change, said Pennington, is average age. "It's always been 37. It's always going to be 37. In fact, we didn't even run the numbers this year. It's 37, trust me."

Other camp statistics of note:

Where campers come from:
• Plainwell 12%
• Hastings 8%
• Portage 6%
• Keokuk, Iowa 5%
• Kankakee, Illinois 5%
• Kokomo, Indiana 5%
• Walla Walla, Washington 5%
• Kalamazoo 4%
• All others, 50%

Biggest challenges facing campers:
• Distance running 40%
• Rotten weather 40%
• Jerky boyfriend 10%
• Missing Saturday cartoons 10%

And . . .

• 24 percent of campers have never had a dog fall off the back of their pickup or jump out of their car window.
• 88 percent of campers couldn't name the Detroit Tigers mascot (Paws Paws)
• 33 percent of campers didn't know that 84.6 of all statistics are made up.

They're Putting the Runway in Run Camp

Nicole and Lindsey square off over a saucer of milk



"I guess we could have predicted it," said Run Camp Fashionista Melinda Dobson, special consultant and guest judge for this year's SnowBuster Best-Dressed Competition. "You get 700 upwardly mobile people in a competitive setting and, well, LOOK OUT!!!"

Even with eight weeks to go, two Plaidiators -- runway names Nicole and Lindsey -- have emerged as the runaway favorites in the annual contest, each staying so far with dominant strains of pink. Lindsey is leaning toward the hotter fuchsias, magentas and persians, while Nicole has made more subtle selections in the coral, salmon and thulian families.

"Just looking at the history of how run camp fashions have blossomed in the spring the past few years, I think it's safe to say we 'won't be stuck in the neutrals' this year, and while you might see some beiges emerge," said Dobson, "splashes of bolder colors will be de rigueur." Dobson noted that plaid happened to be a hit both at the New York and Australian shows, "but my guess is that both lucked on to the Plaidators, and didn't engineer their way onto Harden's team. They're wiley and cunning competitors, no doubt, but I don't think either one of them is THAT good."

Dobson said the competition is so close, "it could come down to neckware, and that's a strong suit for both competitors. "Lindsey knows how to make a bold, contrasting statement with a scarf, but Nicole's choice of camp colors is not accidental, let me assure you."

This changes everything!

Team Leader Colleen Cachero explains Good Form Sitting to her team.

"I've never been so comfortable!"

"This will change how I sit from now on!"

"Who would have thought?"

Those are just of the few glowing testimonials from the SnowBusters teams who have piloted the soon-to-be-introduced, stand-alone (if you'll excuse the expression) Good Form Sitting.

This proprietary and revolutionary new program has made it possible for beginners and veterans alike -- even people who have been sitting their entire lives! -- to enjoy this experience in a whole new way. "I can sit for hours now!" said one happy camper.

New SnowBusters Team Leader Colleen Cachero introduced the program to camp organizers, and because it was so popular with Cachero's team, organizers will be advertising special sessions.

"We've got team members who love to just sit around, so why not do it right?" asked Cachero in pitching the new program.

The basic premise, Cachero explains, is to put your rear end on the floor. "Some people then put their back on the floor, but we call that lying down," says Cachero, "and that leads to lying around, which basically just isn't very good for you. People who have been lying around all their lives are the perfect candidate for this program."

Who's It Going to Be? Rob or Nick? Or will a new pretender emerge?

Gazelle Sports insiders say that Rob Lillie is putting up a brave front, but that privately he's worried that Nick Nolte has regained his form.

"I think I'm a better Rob Lillie than I've ever been," said the winner of the last eight Rob Lillie Look-Alike Contests. "No, I'm not in great shape. But I've been working on that smile that I know the judges love."

It was nine years ago that Nolte last won the contest, his third in four tries, before he took a public tumble. In 2003, he submitted a jail mugshot and finished a distant fourth and hasn't competed since.

Insiders say that because Nolte hasn't been on the public scene for a while, the younger judges will overlook the actor's 'glam factor,' but they also say Lille is doing a lot more schmoozing this year with Run Campers.

Run Camp Hits The Big Time!

It doesn't get any bigger than this. Borgess Run Camp organizers announced today that they have booked a celebrity appearance at Run Camp by none other than Sean Young.

"This, to me, is the most important event at camp since we saw that car out on H Avenue that looked just like the car Shawn Christian drives," said Mack Jones, veteran camper and celebrity follower.

Young is expected to work the Kalamazoo Area Runners table in the post-run festivities on February 26, in Classroom 3.

This puts to rest rumors that Run Camp organizers had landed Shannon Kane, who joined All My Children in October 2008 as Natalie Fowler, the there-to-unknown daughter of Jesse Hubbard, a child he'd fathered during the 20-odd years he was believed to have been dead.

Sean Young is reprising her "bad girl" Meggie McClain role on The Young and The Restless.

How did SnowBusters pull off this coup? "I think the big turnout helped make possible what must be an outrageous appearance fee," guessed Jones. "But, truthfully, I think they got lucky and inked the deal before Sean knew she was going to be Meggie again."

Leaders pull out all the stops for recognition. Did Clothier cross the line?

Good Samaritans or Glory Hounds?

"I've never seen leaders get this anxious this early," noted Tessa Emenheiser, former Run Camp Team Leader of the Year and chair of this season's Team Leader Awards Committee.

With 36 Run Camp 'captains' striving to earn this year's honors, Emenheiser has noticed some of the "not-so-subtle" efforts by Team Leaders to impress judges. "You expect to see Tracy Cropsy there a half-hour early every week," noted Emenheiser. "That's standard. But Ron Martin putting on his team members' yak trax? That's over the top."

Many Team Leaders have complained about what they're calling "self-serving antics" of Sheila Clothier, a three-time runner-up for Team Leader of the Year. Last Saturday, her team was photographed pushing a stranded motorist in an act of "goodwill."

"Give me a break," said Sandra Monroe, a half marathoner who will become a Team Leader during Snow Busters. "Didn't it seem a little fishy that a photographer just happened to be there? And, I'm not saying it was engineered or fake, but is there really a schmuck dumb enough to get his car stuck in four inches of snow?"

Emenheiser has cautioned Team Leaders not to sacrifice the interests of their teams just to win an award.

Stand By, Campers. We might be moving next week!

"We'll do it. We'll smile about it. But must we do it HERE?"


Brutal wind chills and slippery roads over the past two weeks, along with evidence that the dreaded “Michigan malaise” could settle in any day, has Borgess Run Camp organizers re-thinking their January 29 plans.

Currently scheduled for the WMU College of Engineering, next Saturday’s run in all likelihood will be moved to East Little York, Texas. Research shows that the Houston suburb’s conditions on January 29 more closely resemble Kalamazoo’s early May weather than those in any other American city.

Camp organizers said they would decide by Wednesday whether to move the camp. They will announce any changes to team leaders Thursday morning. “We know campers will have to make travel arrangements, so we want to give them at least two-days notice,” said Steve Blum, Camp Travel Planner. Blum warned that those who plan to drive to East Little York should leave by Thursday noon.

Although Michigan weather conditions look “stable to miserable” over the next 10 days, organizers take into account that four of the five largest snow storms over the past century have occurred between January 25 and January 28. “Not saying that scares us,” commented Blum. “Just saying.”

Historically, when camp is moved in late January, organizers conduct a contest to give away three or four round-trip airfares to campers. When camp was relocated to Hilton Head in 2005, winners of an essay contest entitled “I’m so pitiful” received the airline tickets. The essay allowed campers to highlight previous frostbite experiences, training injuries and the like. Blum said there may not be enough time for an essay contest this year, but a drawing might be possible.

Run Camp's Most Cherished Traditions Threatened

What will become of The Blessing of the Rodents?


When organizers of the Kalamazoo Marathon changed the 'traditional' date of the Borgess Run for the Health of It, little did they realize how much havoc they would wreak at Run Camp.

"Our entire schedule is a mess," lamented Sandra Shaw, Vice President of Camp Values. "How do you plan The Blessing of the Rodents when campers don't even arrive until after Groundhog Day? I'm not sure we'll be able to keep some of our finest traditional events."

Of greatest concern, reports Shaw, is the always exciting Rattlesnake Roundup, held annually in the parking lot of the YMCA, as campers delight in capturing hundreds of the slithering creatures. "Move that back two weeks, and with the warmer temperatures, you've got some pretty lively reptiles."

Lost in the shuffle, too, said Shaw, was the Rob Lillie Look Alike Contest. A heavy favorite to defend his crown, Rob Lillie "hasn't even started training yet. I think we owe him the courtesy of adequate preparation time."

On a positive note, Shaw said her team was able to organize the ever-popular Name That Goldfish Contest, which is also open to children and grandchildren of campers. The entry deadline is January 17.

"Give us a couple years, and we'll be back on track," said Shaw.

Vajgrt: This has GOT to stop!

Campers Listen To Another Long Lecture


A small group of Borgess Run Campers, led by Camp Coach Mary Vajgrt, insist they’ve had enough “learnin’” and have called for an end to clinics, classes, in-services, programs and lectures at camp.

“We don’t have to take this,” shouted Vajgrt to those assembled around the bagels, gogurt and fruit after Saturday’s run. “What is this, ‘sit-around camp’?”

Although Vajgrt herself had led sessions on stretching, core strength and injury prevention, and had taken part in programs on gait analysis, speed work, good form running and triathalon training, she said she was feeling other campers’ pain. “I’ll admit, I’ve been part of the problem, but enough is enough."

There were reports that Vajgrt was egged on by Team Leader Sheila Clothier, whose entire team boycotted the December in-services on shoe wear, running in cold temperatures and “Finding A Good Running Surface -- How Hard Can It Be?”

Said Clothier, “those particular clinics didn’t bother me so much, but we felt we had to make some type of statement about the “We-Put-Our-Pants-On-One-Leg-At-A-Time” demonstration.

Camp organizer Blaine Lam, defending the necessity to “provide every possible learning opportunity to our campers,” promised that next Saturday’s clinic on hydration “won’t be as dry as the others.”