Peace Across The Land

"May the rodents be safe as runners travel along their highways and biways," proclaimed Run Camp Team/Spiritual Leader Phyllis Florian during the annual Blessing of the Rodents. As one of the most sacred rituals of Borgess Run Camp, the ceremony typically catches squirrels, marmots, woodchucks, muskrats and the occasional abandoned hamster off guard, as joggers, pedestrians and cyclists typically dismiss the species best known for their chisel-shaped incisors, speaking in disparaging terms of "scampering brats" and even -- dare we say it? -- roadkill?

"Establishing peace with these creatures is but one more benefit of getting out and enjoying the beauty and wonder of nature," said camper Kasey Fuller. "We should have such luck with motorists."

Bold New Camp Plan Surfaces (but anonymously)

"Well, we always see some type of organized resistance to the rigors of camp," said Camp Organizer and ultramarathoner Joel Pennington, "but I guess we underestimated the organized potential of a subset of 800."

That was the immediate reaction to Saturday's delivery of what has become known as "The Two Week Manifesto," a formal statement of protest that a 13-week organized camping experience, with all the repetition and drawn-out training, is unnecessary. Pennington was said to be meeting with other camp leaders later this weekend to review the manifesto to determine if it had any merit whatsoever and if not, what kind of effort would be undertaken to seek out the malcontents and how severely to punish them.

The unsigned document, attributed only to "The Sovereign Sisters of Sanity," condemned the camp, as it is presently organized, as "vituperative, abusive and marginally cruel."

The manifesto went on to propose a two-week camp, describing the advantages as "almost too numerous to delineate," but the most obvious, the document said, are these:

• Fewer injuries;
• Less exposure to unreasonable weather conditions;
• Less costly to operate, meaning lower cost;
• No need for 'tapering'
• Less wear and tear on running shoes;
• More environmentally friendly;
• No need to tape-delay Saturday morning cartoons;
• Less-complicated training schedule; and (the big one)
• No need to explain you only own one running outfit.

"Blaine doesn't remember our names after two weeks, so you know full well, he won't know them after 13. This camp is an exercise in redundancy," the document read.

The two-week plan calls for camp to begin four weeks before the race, with team formation the first week, Superman and Barking Dog clinics in week two, allowing a week off for full recovery prior to the race.

"There simply is no downside to this well-thought-out strategy," the document said. "We expect action."

None was expected soon, Pennington said.

Trouble Looms At Run Camp -- Vajgrt spun a yarn that could come back to hurt close-knit team

Borgess Run Camp organizers put on a happy face on opening day, but experienced campers sensed something was amiss, as details are just starting to surface that disaster could lurk on the horizon for the 13-week experience.

"For one thing, you could tell Chris was a little down," said camp veteran Shari LaBrenz of Chris Lampen-Crowell, who takes on the motivational duties for camp. "I mean, where was the FIRE UP, PEOPLE!!!"?

And, LaBrenz theorized that Lampen-Crowell's insistence that coach Dr. Mary Vajgrt "was not a runner" had a little bit of a hard edge. Dr. Vajgrt, as it turns out, may be a centerpiece in a political, legal scandal that could be full-blown trouble by Week 5.

"I think they're just pulling the wool over our eyes," said returning camper Chad Goodwille. "There's tension there. You can feel it."

Although unsubstantiated, there are unofficial reports that the Portage City Council is drafting a city ordinance banning sock puppets. City officials would neither confirm nor deny those reports, but an assistant city attorney, speaking in broad terms on the condition of anonymity said "the people of Portage are serious people, represented by serious government, and sock puppets are anything but serious."

"This is clearly targeting Run Camp," said Team Leader Sheila Clothier. "From what I've heard, it will only apply to organizations with more than 750 people. That means us, Sam's Club and a few churches, and let's face it, churches are not using sock puppets to make their point. At least I don't think they are."

Added Clothier: "It's grossly unfair, and we've been on pins and needles since we first got wind of it, but in a way I blame myself." Clothier admitted that when she was serving a one-week team leader suspension last year, her team members -- led by Dr. Vajgrt -- claimed to have transported her persona to camp through a sock puppet. "They'll say this is about sock puppets being trivial, but what they're really concerned about are the paranormal implications," said Clothier of the proposed ordinance.

Although Run Camp will only be in Portage two weeks this winter, a sock-puppet ban could have more major repercussions. Campers who would normally knit hats have no need to do so with the warm temperatures. Consequently, sock-puppet design kits are flying off the Gazelle shelves, so popular that New Balance is expected to launch a Good Form Knitting program.

Where will things go from here? "I think we'll know more if Chris is down again this week," said LaBrenz, "but I've also heard there's a lot of lobbying going on at Portage City Hall. This could get ugly."