Experts to study handshakes, hugging at camp.

Although his strongly held opinions are widely disseminated at Run Camp, Blaine Lam has had little success in implementing his ideas there. There's no better example than his insistence that "this is NOT a hugging camp. This is a handshaking camp." Camp leaders have hired a team of experts, primarily loveologists, to determine what is best for the future of camp, and they hope to contribute to a larger body of knowledge on the subject, according to Phyllis Florian, who hand-picked the team and who will analyze the data.

"There's no doubt in my mind I'll be vindicated on this issue," said Lam, who claims that strong team bonds are formed by handshakes and introductions.

"Ha!" responds Judah Gesmundo, Run Camp's leading advocate for hugging. "A hug is the handshake of the heart."

Counters Lam: "Forget for a second that it leads to sexual confusion and is exclusionary to those who witness hugging. The bigger issue is this: it calls for an emotional escalation that may outstrip the comfort level the other partner. How does Judah answer that?"

"Simple," replies Gesmundo. "By the time you reach Blaine's age, a little bit of maturity is supposed to kick in. People need four hugs a day for survival, eight hugs a day for maintenance and 12 hugs a day for growth. It's the foundation of love and trust, critical to happiness and personal well being. I thought that's what we were in camp for."

"Possibly," said Lam. "But if I had my way, we'd wear name tags every week, and call roll. Wait, we do call roll."

OK, Mother, son. Hugs excused.




















OK, they fell in love at camp, and got engaged. Hugs excused.

An All Sagittarius Camp?

The first formal grievance of Run Camp was filed late Saturday morninng -- in fact, there were three of them, two by Libras and one by a Taurus -- claiming a strong Zodiac bias favoring Sagittarians. The complaints will be heard this week by the "Things Ain't Right" Review Committee, formed last year to replace the Warlord Committee.

"I knew something was fishy, when it seemed that everyone in a red or blue jacket was being wished Happy Birthday," said Pisces Ben Johnson. "I personally didn't file a grievance, but I'll be interested to see what happens with these. I'm not sure David Stern has anything up on these heavy-handed camp leaders."

Karen and Dale Hadden, along with Judah Gesmundo (below) were singled out for camp comment. While not commenting on the bias itself, Review Committee Chair Dana Schmitt pointed out "it's not unusual to get a lot of complaints in December. Compared to 5Kers, marathoners are a tad bit whiny."

In other camp complaints, several people said they missed Team Leader Tracy Cropsy, who had a family obligation. "And, speaking of letdowns," said Camper Ann Marie Olbrot, "Chris Lampen-Crowell and Rob Lillie were not themselves today."

Goldfish gone, yes, but . . .

Borgess Run Camp organizers have finally come clean and admitted that one of the most cherished traditions at camp -- the Name That Goldfish contest -- is no longer in existence, but questions remain about what caused its absence.

"It's absolutely NOT TRUE that we named the same goldfish three years in a row," claimed former contest administrator Dana Schmitt. "Yes, the world goldfish population is down. Yes, we had a hard time finding a fish to name last year, but no, we never cheated our contestants. So, everyone can stop carping about that, if you'll excuse the expression."

Schmitt and other contest organizers blamed the lack of quality entries in recent years for abandoning the event, typically held early in camp and a favorite of camp rookies. "I mean, seriously, you expect us to hand out an award to someone who came up with the name 'Henry'?"

While other popular camp games, like the Rob Lillie Look Alike Contest, will remain in place, Schmitt said she didn't think losing Name That Goldfish would hurt attendance. "We did want people to know about it before final registration, of course, in case someone made their decision on this. But I think we'll find an adequate replacement."

New clinics are highlight of Camp "transformation"

Borgess Run Camp has seen the error of its ways. While other running organizations survey their members to see what they want, run camp leaders engage in what might best be described as "seat-of-your-pants" thinking. Consequently, they're advising run campers to store up their best thoughts this year and write them down somewhere in May or June. Then, in 2015 or 2016, if any of those thoughts make their way into camp, they may be adopted. Meanwhile, to stay current with the trend to make "transformational changes" in the way business is conducted at run camp, the "Changes" Leadership Council has announced the following lineup of optional clinics, to be held in January:

Clinic #1: "Seat-of-your-pants planning: Why any other approach is stupid." Don't miss this fun-filled learning opportunity, agenda-free, possibly leaderless, definitely harmless session. Times to be announced.

Clinic #2: "Does Your Bird Have Gout?" Avian Vitamin D Toxicosis is hard to recognize, even with parakeets, because, let's face it, they just won't talk about it. Learn the signs and symptoms of this often-misdiagnosed and dreaded disease.

Clinic #3: "The Top 10 Dog Breeds for Run Campers." Sure, you feel bad leaving the kids alone Saturday morning while you go romp in the snow. Here's a list of dogs, and a few other kinds of pets, that will best protect, play with and entertain your abandoned children. Each participant receives a free turtle.

Clinic #4: "It's time you forgot about the Chicago Cubs." This is the definitive, must-attend clinic on how to recognize lost causes, and includes breakout sessions on snarky girlfriends, Republican presidential hopefuls and, if necessary, the Detroit Lions.