But seriously now, was Run Camp worth it?

After a brutal run of rotten winter weather and the usual lack of organization, new and veteran Borgess Run Campers alike gathered recently at Ernie's Pancake House to debate the merits of the 13-week experience.

"BORRRRRRRING," said a first-time camper who had heard and read the hype regarding what organizers call "the first, the best, the original" camping experience in Kalamazoo County. The camper refused to identify herself.

"What you have to realize about Run Camp," said veteran Steve Brown, "is that when they say 'it doesn't get any better than this,' they don't mean that in the sense you thought they did. It starts out pretty lame and pretty much stays that way."

Asked why he returned to Run Camp every year, Brown -- in the spirit of full disclosure -- reported that he's on assignment from the Blizzard Rats, who make a few claims of their own regarding local run camp traditions.

Brown and others acknowledged that the "starting and starting over" 5K crowd had some notable victories in 2009, but that they may well have been offset by "overbearing overachievers" racking up extra mileage before and after camp to prepare for the Bayshore Marathon. "Why don't they just join Beth, Bad and Beyond and spare us having to watch them grind out the miles?" asked newcomer Amy Hughes.

Long-time Team Leader Phyllis Florian likened Run Camp to junior high school. "It's messy while you're going through it, but you look back on it in a different light, and just hope the emotional scars aren't too deep."

Peeps Protection Procedures Put in Place

Long aware that moles and spies have had the potential to undermine the sanctity of individual teams, and that "visitors" from renegade camps have infiltrated Run Camp in the spirit of general ill will, organizers this year "didn't know what hit them," when cross-jurisdictional "peeps" drawings started showing up on facebook and other places campers hang out.

"It's not like we weren't aware of the dangers of the little marshmallow candy Easter eggs, what you'd normally regard as a peep," said Run Camp Chief of Security Chris Baldwin. "And, yeah, we had pretty effectively banned those."

But, this drawing thing is some type of urban strain that our filters and security systems just can't handle. What can I say? We didn't anticipate them."

Baldwin did point out, however, that because camp has returned to the Borgess Health & Fitness Center, more personnel will be assigned to rooting out the problem "at the source."

"Obviously, I can't tell you what that means because we need to be one step ahead of them."

Suspected peepers led away from 4/11 Camp, told not to return until 4/18.

We get letters . . .

To the editor:
Don't you ever wonder why so many people join Run Camp?
-- TC in Belleville
Dear TC:
Not anymore. After five years, we figured out that half the campers were running for something and the other half were running away from something.

To the editor:
For or away from what, for example?
-- TR in Janesville
Dear TR:
A boyfriend.

To the editor:
Is that just the editor's view, or does Chris Crowell share it?
-- TX in Texas Township
Dear TX:
Chris doesn't care. He just wants you to keep moving.

Stand-Around Camp A Big Hit

Although not all Borgess Run Campers were aware of it, they were eligible (for an extra $5) to join the exclusive Stand-Around Camp, held in conjunction with the larger group activity -- usually before and after Run Camp. Clinics on Posing, Staring off into the Distance, "Looking Busy" and Waiting are popular components of Stand-Around Camp, headed up by Bryce Buffenbarger and Tessa Emenheiser, who train team leaders on how to assist stand-arounders put on their iPods. Stand-Around Day is set for April 25, starting at 7:30 a.m.

Future of Run Camp Said To Be In Peril.

In an interview yet to appear in Michigan Runner, Borgess Run Camp co-founder Blaine Lam reportedly said the 13-year experience was on its last legs.

According to transcripts of the interview, Lam said he expected the popular camp to be replaced next year with Shuffleboard Camp. "I just don't think running has a future," closes source to the publication reported he said. "By contrast, shuffleboard appeals to all ages, is virtually recession proof -- except for in the cruise ship category -- and is transferable to bars."

It wasn't clear as Michigan Runner went to press if Chris Crowell would resist the reorientation or switch Gazelle's clothing direction toward shuffleboard apparel.

Continuing Education Opportunities Abound At Run Camp

CLARENCE'S TEAM TAKES ADVANTAGE OF BORGESS RUN CAMP DISCOUNT TO ENROLL IN "MODELING GOOD BEHAVIOR" CLASS AT KIA.

When Rebecca Fechik signed up for her correspondence course on "What Zombies Can Teach You" through the University of California at Santa Clara last month, she was shocked and delighted to learn she had received a Borgess Run Camp Discount for the course.

Although the Run Camp Continuing Education perk is not that well known among some campers, an increasing number is taking advantage this year, some for the love of learning while others are retooling for the "new economy."

Artis Freye, for instance, is enrolled in a Distance Learning course at the Univesity of Wisconsin at Stevens Point on "How To Beat the NASA Entrance Exam," a three-credit course that normally costs $89 per credit hour, available through Run Camp at $79 per credit hour.

"I would have signed up anyway," said Artis, "because it has been my lifelong dream to become an astronaut. I guess what they say about those renegade camps is true. You get what you pay for."

Campers who want to learn more about continuing education programs and classes made cheaper (and in some cases made exclusively possible) through Run Camp should contact Tessa Emenheiser during a training run.

(The answer to the correct translation on the photoblog is "Beware The Enemy Within")

Who's (Really) In Charge Here?

THIS PHOTO OF WHAT IS BELIEVED TO BE A SECRET COUNCIL GOVERNING RUN CAMP WAS TAKEN AT BORGESS WOODBRIDGE LAST WEEK.


With rumors spreading faster than banks can fail, new theories popped up this week about what forces are driving Run Camp, and what the future holds for those committed to four more weeks of expeditions and six weeks more of organizational torture.

"I suspected Blaine Lam didn't have a clue," said Tim Bredahl, one of a growing number of disgruntled team leaders, "and between the fact that he rarely runs and what with the drivel he puts on the blogs, it's clear his mind is in another place."

Fears that Chris Crowell is now just using camp as a place to get in shape were compounded by reports that camp's "last organizational hope," Janeen Docsa, was on an "extended skiing vacation in Colorado."

"It probably shouldn't matter," said Team Leader Dan Moyle, "but conspiracy theory is conspiracy theory. And now we're hearing about the formation of cabals and the re-emergence of spies and moles on half-marathon teams. Very unsettling."

"When does Bobbie Lam get back?"

Lam: No Bailout for Run Camp

An attractive Stimulus Package offer from the Obama administration to provide Run Campers with free running shoes and windbreakers was rejected by the camp's tribal elders, said to be ruled by Blaine Lam's iron fist.

The offer reportedly came through President Obama's high-ranking Cabinet members who were aware of Chris Crowell's close connections with progressive causes and the fact that Crowell's store would benefit from the package.

Crowell, who was aware that Lam had packed the tribal council with relatives, thought the deal would go through because he and Lam had written similar viewpoints about the need to get America moving again.

But Lam, who belongs to the Make Poor People Suffer Now party, reportedly knew the deal would hurt his chances to force Gazelle to complete the $1.5 million buyout of Cheetah, a store Lam planned to open in the old Dragon Inn space downtown.

"Hey, I know what ails Americans," said Lam. "It's tight calves, IT Band Syndrome and plantar fasciitis. I'm not putting this organization on the dole."


(Neither Blaine nor Chris knew the other was doling out advice this week on how to survive the recession. Chris is at http://www.keepmovinggazelle.blogspot.com/ and Blaine wrote "The Only Investment Guide You'll Need In This Recession" at http://sharetext.blogspot.com)

Tension Mounts Among Run Camp Leaders

WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO BUY YOUR STUFF?





Clearly miffed when they learned that Blaine and Bobbie Lam intended to open a new running apparel store on the same block as the specialty outlet which has dominated the running scene for the past quarter century, Chris Crowell and Rob Lillie Saturday barely spoke to their new competitors.

The Lams, taking up the space formerly occupied by the Dragon Inn, showcased some of their new wares at Run Camp Saturday, picking a perfect day to sport their new classy line of wool pants and cashmere tops.

"Would we have tried this if Chris hadn't suffered so long from Goofy Hat Syndrome?" asked Blaine. "No, but more importantly, we feel we're riding the wave of formality that is sweeping the fashion world. When people see how good they can look in Italian leather, they'll be asking themselves how they got sold that "bill of goods" that Rob likes to call the 'casual' look."

As one who doesn't like tension and friction, Bobbie Lam downplayed the Gazelle reaction to the soon-to-open store. "We're really doing them a favor," said Bobbie. "I'm not saying they were getting complacent or taking the running community for granted, but let's face it: we all believe in healthy competition. This will be good for them."

No date has been set for the opening of Cheetah.

Crowell didn't offer anything "on the record" regarding the new venture, but was overheard saying something to Tracy Cropsy's team about a "renegade store."

Renegades Dealt With Harshly

Angry, discouraged, injured, vengeful and disgruntled campers notwithstanding, we have found that the only blemish on an otherwise perfect record of community service provided by Run Camp has been the emergence of "renegade" camps. Beth, Bad and Beyond; Blizzard Cats; Mufflers -- to name a few. These groups, even though some claim their lineage pre-dates the existence of The One And Only True Run Camp (Borgess), were founded on the misguided, independent-minded notion that "we don't need them anymore," based on -- what else? -- the bonding formed at OUR camp.

Already in this, the 27th annual edition of Borgess Run Camp, there are signs -- bad signs -- that renegade camps are being forged through mid-week rendezvous. Bordering on the occult, with ghost-like, haunting images, these gatherings provide stories and folk lore that erodes the staid, orderly progression of Borgess Run Camp schedules and plans.

We have found that the only way to punish these renegades-to-be is to expose their wicked ways, publicly embarrass them with published photos of their activities, thereby discouraging the continued involvement is such unauthorized behavior.

We Get Letters

Q. Why does a man who ostensibly makes a living running a clothing store dress the way he does?
-- Les, from Miles City

A. Assuming you're referring to Chris Crowell, unfortunately Chris has long suffered from Goofy Hat Syndrome. He has undergone extensive treatment, and therapists believe this is a cure, but alas, Chris hasn't found it.

Q. I've been in Run Camp for four years and I have never missed the "Blessing of the Rodents," and yet I've heard nothing about that so far this year. What gives?
-- Mamie, from Hamtramck

A. This time-honored tradition in all likelihood will be held in Portage this year (Week 5 or 6), depending on the weather. The emergence of a full moon in Week 3, the timing of Lent and the initials of supporting actors who prove to be the early favorites in Academy Awards voting are the primary factors in the exact date and location.

Q. I thought I heard that 50 percent of what you wrote on the blog was true. Are we in for a big surge or truth or something?
-- Janna, from Hoboken

A. Yes and no.

Atlanta Airport Experiment Under Review

Moving Week Two of Borgess Run Camp to the William B. Hartsfield International Airport, while it had a number of advantages for camp organizers, appeared to be a disappointment to some campers. Others apparently were frustrated by what they called "undercommunication." Video from the Atlanta Camp experience has been folded into the tapes of SuperBowl plays which are under review by critics awaiting the next important sports moment, believed to be The Masters (if Tiger Woods plays).

"I think I made it clear all along," said Camp Organizer Blaine Lam, "that if you were looking for that perfectly run camp in which your every whim was catered to that this camp was not for you."

Lam, who admits that his trip to see his newly born grandchildren was "a factor" in the switch of Week Two activities from the Borgess Health & Fitness Center to Hartsfield-Jackson, rejected the notion that undercommunication was a problem. "I told Chris for heaven's sake, and I'm pretty sure I said something to Janeen." He said they were not only aware of the alternative site, but had the ultimate responsibility to pass the information along to coaches, team leaders and support personnel. "If I did such a bad job, why was the camp photographer there?" queried Lam. "I think it's possible, too, that we had some people who didn't understand that we would start in the South Terminal, not the North."

Lam also admitted that course logistics were something of a problem. "That, though, was not entirely my problem. I just didn't realize that the weekend travelers were that much less sophisticated than the type of business traveler you see on weekdays. And, OK, TSA Security personnel, once we started running were not as supportive as I thought they might be."

Lam, who spends much of the winter below the 35th Parallel, agreed to move Week Four of Run Camp from the scheduled Residence Inn in Shreveport, Louisiana, to downtown Austin, Texas, site of the Austin Half Marathon the next day. "I hope that makes the whiners happy," he said. He also agreed to have the Borgess Health & Fitness Center serve as an "alternate, backup, fill-in" site for people who choose not to travel to Austin.

2009 Run Camp in for big changes

PILLOW FIGHTS ARE OUT THIS YEAR

Blame it on superstition. Blame it on boredom. Blame it on angry campers if you must. But this, the 13th annual edition of Borgess Run Camp, is in for big changes this year. First-time campers may not notice the difference, but veterans will be keenly aware that organizers are abandoning some time-honored traditions of run camp.

"I know a lot of people will miss the Rob Lillie Look-Alike Contest," admitted Chris Crowell, "but face it. Rob has won it himself three out of the last four years. We've got to come up with something new there."

Also gone will be Name That Goldfish, Dress-Up-Your-Dog Day, Rattlesnake Roundup, Wear an Oscar Gown Night and the unfortunately maligned, but always popular Run Through Galesburg.

Sacrosanct, of course, is the Blessing of the Rodents, although maintaining this activity in the lineup necessitated a grant from the Diocesse of Kalamazoo.

Run Camp Event Committee Chairperson Tessa Emenheiser said it was too early to announce the complete lineup of activity replacements for 2009, but hinted that going on e-Bay and looking for used camel saddles would be advisable before Week 5.

DEFINITELY OUT.