Gazelle gets into barefoot running, bigtime!

Gazelle Sports has hired a number of new "sales consultants" to help educate runners and would-be runners on the merits of barefoot running.

Although considered a fad by some, barefoot running caught the attention of Gazelle principal Chris Lampen-Crowell in the hot new read, Born To Run. "It's an amazing concept, and our people have to be able to explain it, so we've brought on extra people to do just that," explained Crowell. "I just have this feeling that this craze is made for Michigan runners." (There was no mention of introducing the concept at Run Camp this week.)

The new business ploy is not without its critics, who suggest that Gazelle is walking a dangerous line by telling people not to wear the thing they sell the most of. "I mean, you can only sell so many Patagonia vests," suggested long-time buyer Bill Krasean.

Told that he had been accused of hiring more and more people to sell less and less until everyone in the business has nothing to sell, Crowell responded: "Well, it works for Lam & Associates."

Team Leaders Expected to 'Face The Music' On Overuse of Organization Techniques

Teamwork or excessive organization? (see photos above) Camp organizers will decide. The Plaidiators (below, right) are among those being watched closely.

Tensions are expected to run high at the annual mid-season Team Leader meetings, scheduled for next week, as camp organizers try to bring "excessive organization" under control.

"We kind of have ourselves to blame," said Blaine Lam, who conducts the Team Leader reviews. "In our push to help get 500 people organized, we may have under-communicated the culture's values -- uh, that would be fun and flexibility."

Although Lam doesn't reveal what goes on behind doors with Team Leaders, word has spread that the Plaidiators will be coming under close scrutiny and, potentially, harsh rebuke.

"From what I can see," said a member of the team Farfromstopen, "they're a para-military organization, and the pressure to receive promotions is severe. They have three levels of sergeant -- staff sergeant, drill sergeant and sergeant-at-arms, and I've heard that they use 'Braveheart' as a training film."

Lam is downplaying the sanctions that may be issued to individual teams and Team Leaders, stressing instead the need for all campers to "stay loose."

"I don't want to come in some Saturday morning and find members of PF Flyers taking a pop quiz on anaerobic training techniques," he said.

Annual reviews are typically limited to issues like overuse of color in Team Leader emails, premature showing of spring fashions and car pooling.

Will Brad and Jennifer re-unite at Run Camp?

Experienced Run Campers are suggesting trouble is brewing in this year's Celebrity Series due to what they say is the "controversial coincidence" that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston would be appearing on the same Saturday.


According to more than one source, the two used to be married to one another.

Celebrity scheduler Carrie Hybels says she was unaware of the former love connection between the stars because she had put so much of her effort into booking the female TV star separately from John Mayer. "And we were only talking with Brad Pitt because we couldn't get Johnny Depp," said Hybels.

"Plus, they both had open invitations, and I figured if they both just happened to be there in the same week, what's the problem?"

The problem, of course, is that Aniston runs 9-10 minute pace and Pitt's training pace is closer to 12 minutes a mile. "You tell me how I'm supposed to run with both of them," complained Nancy Vendeville, a member of "Bombshells in Smartwool."

Vendeville also suspects there could be trouble because, "you know, that divorce thing, or worse I suppose, the possibility that a different kind of sparks could fly, if you get my drift."

Camp veteran Heather Hudson doesn't think this will be as controversial as last year's unfortunate pairing of Sarah Palin and Stewy from Family Guy. "That just got ugly," she said.

Pitt and Aniston are scheduled to appear March 6 at the Kalamazoo Family YMCA expedition. Scheduler Hybels was already in a bit of trouble because she had prematurely announced that Michael Vale (of Dunkin' Donuts commercial fame) and Joseph Owades (who invented light beer) would be making the Celebrity appearances, only to find out that both died in 2005.

"It's only February," said Hybels. "Be patient. We'll have the big names in. Besides, a little controversy in the celebrity world is not all bad."

Run Camp Chosen for National Health Study

Borgess Run Camp officials pointed with pride Tuesday to the announcement that their 500-person assembly of talent had been selected as the sole test group for a national study on health outcomes.

A nationally recognized team of researchers will be in camp for the remaining nine weeks looking at the long-term health effect of wearing funny hats.

"I couldn't be more pleased," said Chris Crowell, a funny-hat pioneer of sorts. "I think it's great scientists are finally getting at the root causes of good health." Crowell, in fact, traces his patented "keep moving" phrase to things he heard from other kids when he wore funny hats as a youngster.

Conducting the research will be a team from the University of Kentucky, noted for their landmark study on funny nuns, proving they live, on average, 10 years longer than their sour sisters. "We know that laughing is good for you physically, psychologically, emotionally and socially," said lead researcher Tammy McGraw. "We feel we're just scratching the surface on the role that hats play in that dynamic."

"Well, I feel completely vindicated," said Amy Shaffer, who initially was rejected as a Team Leader candidate because she wore a funny hat to the One One Run. (Her appeal was successful, and after this week's announcement, camp officials admit they weren't even completely aware of the implications of the so-called "Crowell Rule," upon which Shaffer based her appeal.)

Kristen "Pippi" Schmidt also expressed relief after the Pink Puffers' investment in pink hats this past week. "We were kind of out on a limb there, but now we're excited to see if -- as they suspect -- this study proves we'll be 'hat healthy."

One camp critic predicted the study will be a flop. "Don't kid yourself," she said. "All they care about is statistical significance and everyone knows that 400 is the magic number. They chose us because they figured out of 500 campers, they could find 400 mentally stable guinea pigs. Boy, are they going to be disappointed."

Expulsions, Ceremonies, Gang Signs Mark Beginning of Phase II

The Borgess Run Camp's no-nonsense Disciplinary Action Team (DAT) brought down swift and firm justice this week, expelling three campers for being whiners.

"Who DAT?" asked one of the expelled campers, when told she was not only banned, but also prohibited from applying to return until 2014. One of the campers was expelled for complaining there was too much coaching and another was kicked out for complaining there wasn't enough coaching. The third was suspended for being a whining sympathizer, arguing that the other two were just offering constructive criticism.

"The road to whining is paved with good intentions," responded Tessa Emenheiser, acting chair of DAT. "Besides, we can handle the criticism. We really just have a problem with campers taking this stuff seriously. This isn't a military academy, although I must say, meting out discipline as if it were one is kind of fun."

In unrelated action, DAT placed a fourth camper on probation for questioning why Chris Lampen-Crowell would wear a plastic bunny around his neck for his 50-K run, and a fifth camper was suspended indefinitely for suggesting that the Disciplinary Action Committee was mean.

In other camp news, officials were scheduling the annual "Blessing of the Rodents" for Feb. 13. Customarily it is held the third Saturday of camp, though the technical date depends on the relationship between the Superbowl, Groundhog Day and Valentine's Day.

And, while camp leaders have relaxed rules about gang signs, informally they mark the transition into Phase II of camp, when idle minds, endorphins and social support creep into long-run discussions and post-run breakfast meetings. Gang signs should be reported to Bryon Bierema.

Team-Naming Process Draws Ire of Borgess officials

Borgess Run Camp director Janeen Docsa was called on the carpet by her bosses last week to explain why, in the words of one Borgess official, "this year's run camp team names stink!"

"It wasn't an easy meeting, I'll tell you," lamented Docsa. "I explained that, with 500 campers, a lot of our team leaders were pre-occupied with logistics, that kind of stuff. But this is a results-driven organization, and branding isn't a trivial issue."

Docsa conceded that the glory days of team naming may be over, what with the Pink Puffers, the Sharks and Serendipity in retirement. "But, seriously, who would name their team 'Dumbfounded' or 'Spare Change'," Docsa asked, commenting on the latest ideas surfacing with a group of half-marathoners.

While admitting that this year's in-service on "How to Name Your Team" had to be canceled so that Gazelle could show a film on Barefoot Runners We've Known and Loved, Docsa had to issue a reminder to team leaders to get their names submitted as soon as possible.

"At least by the time of my performance review," she added.