Known for pioneering the run camp concept and introducing
great new features along the way (the photoblog, staffed aid stations, the Name
That Goldfish contest), Borgess Run Camp will be pulling out all the stops for
the 15th annual camp, coming to a horrible winter near you in a few very short
months. Among the innovations planned for Run Camp next year are these:
GPS tooth implants. Surgically inserted on the first day of
camp, they’ll give you a toothache and splitting headache if you get off
course. No more printed maps! Gives new meaning to “wisdom teeth.”
Serious upgrades to post-run refreshments. Standing around with a bunch of sweaty people,
eating fruit and bagels out of a bowl and drinking juice from plastic,
disposable cups is campers’ biggest gripe.
Armpit-high deodorant sprayers outside the refreshment room will be at
every site. Cloth napkins, elegant dishware and silverware will be
standard features at this important segment of camp.
For campers who have (rightfully) complained they’re not
advancing toward their goals because their team leaders are too supportive and
forgiving, Run Camp will introduce a “Bitchy Coach” App, using cutting-edge
“sensomonitor” technology that detects when a runner is slowing down, feeling
lazy or even thinking of quitting. The
app interrupts the music in the camper’s earbuds with harsh, nagging, but
necessary, instruction to make much-needed adjustments. The app is programmed to shout things like
“Seriously? This is all the faster you can go?” and “Don’t even think about
vomiting!” For an extra fee, the app can
be programmed to sound like your ex-spouse.
Finally – something most campers would benefit from –
coaches will be using new terms to describe common injuries. Although some of the nomenclature has yet to
be fully developed, coaches will no longer be using terms like “IT Band
Syndrome” and “Patellar Tendonitis” or even “Chin Splints.” For example, “Planter Fasciitis” will be
called “Hurts Like Hell In The Morning Disorder,” not to be confused with the
new hangover diagnosis phrase: “Hurts Like Hell ALL Morning Disorder.”
All these upgrades come with a price of course. Camp fees next year will be raised from $75
to $425.
Enjoy!
