Lam Throws Typical Early-Season Hissy Fit

Karen Townsend listens patiently to a camper's concerns.


Key run camp organizers have successfully held off an attempt by GladHander Blaine Lam to suspend all run camp activity "until we can bring this thing back under control."

Calling an emergency meeting of the Run Camp Tribal Council, Lam was able to secure a two-week hiatus in the weekly Saturday runs, but his efforts to invoke sanctions and mete out punishment to campers, coaches and team leaders went unheeded.

"Blaine thinks marathoners are whiners. Combine that with his, let's say, edgy personality and his Grinchy approach to some of your more festive holidays and he can be a handful," noted Tessa Emenheiser, who voted in unison with other council members to reject Lam's basic proposal to "shut 'er down."

Lam complained to fellow organizers that:

• There's too much hugging at camp. ("We're a hand-shaking camp.")
• All this spirit is going to come back and bite us. ("Gang signs in the second week? Really?")
• Too many flavors of cream cheese for the bagels. ("Why do we baby these people?")

Compounding Lam's annual complaints about "excessive giddiness" by co-leader Chris Lampen-Crowell was the addition of Karen "Little Miss Sunshine" Townsend to the organizational team. It reportedly bothers Lam that Townsend not only listens to campers concerns -- many of which are about Lam -- but deals with them.

Townsend, who works full time with Lam, says she has learned how to deal with his outbursts. "We just email him photos of his grandkids, and he chills."

A council member who spoke on the condition of anonymity said, "We'd bounce Blaine in a heartbeat, but we don't dare risk losing Bobbie as camp photographer."

Is Black the New Black?

The Borgess Run Camp Fashion Committee on Saturday, meeting for the first time since last April, got a sobering look at what may be in store for the Winter of 2010-2011.

"That was frightening," said Camp Color Coordinator Tessa Emenheiser, interim chair of the committee, which meets every Saturday afternoon for the first four weeks of camp and once a month after that. "I've seen less successful 'black-outs' at Bronco football games."

The camp's Fashion Committee advises camp and community leaders about weather trends, economic conditions and societal mood swings, based on their extensive knowledge of what dress says about the human condition.

Building on such relationships as the link between rising hemlines and a rising economy, the Fashion Committee includes two Ph.D economists, a meteorologist, a fashion designer and Emenheiser, who has a background in commercial development and a flair for law. She said nothing should be made of the fact that she, herself, was wearing black Saturday.

While the Committee's reports are never made public (and are now protected from WikiLeaks), the emergence of black early in the season over the camp's 17-year history has not boded well for weather.

"We're going to get slammed," predicted Gazelle Sports store manager Rob Lillie, a former member of the committee and a finalist for the still-vacant Camp Historian position.

Emenheiser cautions that camp normally begins in late January, so that will be factored into the Committee's report and recommendations.

Future of Run Camp Threatened!

The very existence of Borgess Run Camp appears to be in doubt as an increasing number of long-time campers have said they will boycott it for "lack of legacy."

This is the lone photograph in the Borgess Run Camp archives, said to be of historian Daniel Boorstin, warning campers to keep better records. Unfortunately, his advice was ignored.

"I can tolerate the lack of organization, the miscommunication and even the little booties I have to wear on the gym floor," said David Pinto, who is said to have attended camps back to the days when teams were named after animals. "But we don't have roots."

At issue is the fact that no one can remember how many years Borgess Run Camp has been in existence. "We think it's somewhere between 9 and 13," says Borgess Health & Fitness Center Director Janeen Docsa, "but Blaine blacked out there for about four years, and Chris blacked out for six, and we can't remember how many of those years were overlapping."

Docsa said camp could only continue in 2011 if she can hire a "Camp Historian" in the next few weeks. While she's not confident some of the basic legacy issues will be uncovered, "we have a hunch some of the anecdotal stuff will surface, like when gang signs were first introduced and when Run Camp had its one and only "snow day" (at Alamo Township Park, never to be revisited).

Say It Ain't This, Chris

The "Voice of the Borgess Run," Chris Crowell shocked Run Camp and Race loyalists alike Saturday when he announced his retirement, effective immediately, from the the winter and spring activities at which he was the central figure.

Although Crowell told a small gathering at a hastily thrown-together news conference that he planned to "pursue other interests," insiders suspected that the long-standing rift between the energetic running advocate and the other two members of the Run Camp triumvirate, Blaine Lam and Janeen Docsa, had reached the boiling point.

Lam and Docsa accepted Crowell's resignation "with regret," but refused further comment.

"I think Chris felt he could take this thing to the next level, you know add a marathon or something," offered Artis Freye, one of Crowell's many sidekicks at camp. "A lot of us always thought he was the brains of the operation. Blaine had his ego. Janeen had her rules. A guy only has to put up with so much."

Lam loyalists -- Brian Lam and Bobbie Lam -- saw it differently. "You'd probably be surprised the things I know," said Bobbie. "We were watching American Idol one night, and right out of the blue Blaine says, 'you know, Chris doesn't think he should have to take his shoes off in the gym during the slushy season.' That kind of thing. Plus, not to be uncharitable, but a guy turns 50 and you're never quite sure what's going through his head."

"That's not it," suggested Gazelle insider Tessa Emenheiser. "Hey, do the math. Blaine and Janeen have ties to the mother ship. Chris works for himself. How many 2-1 votes can you lose?"

A number of team leaders were expected to gather this week to attempt to salvage the situation. "I mean, what if it is just adding a marathon?" said long-time leader Kelly Elder. "We could get behind that."

"I shudder to think of waking up on the morning of Borgess and trying to get through the day without hearing that voice," said Elder. "My team is counting on it. Heck, everyone's counting on it!"

'We Should Have Seen This Coming'

No one was more disappointed than Year-End Social Director Rob Lillie when word reached him that the traditional, luxurious wrap-up parties, funded with Run Camp carryover funds, would not be held this year.

"Boy, originally, when we had 500 people sign up, all those entry fees, product endorsements and sponsorships, we were making big plans to underwrite some pretty extravagant galas," said Lillie, who took three dozen campers last year to Tahiti the week after the race.

What many team leaders remember as the "glory days of Run Camp," when scores of campers dined on caviar and frolicked on distant beaches, may be long gone.

"I'd say our biggest year was when we had that Russian billionaire in camp," recalls veteran Team Leader Phyllis Florian. "You don't forget service like that on a yacht, believe me."

Even with beer barons, advertising moguls and captains in the food industry, though, this year's party contributions fell far short of what it took to maintain water stops, Gogurt supplies and fresh fruit for the hundreds of troops.

"We should have seen this coming," said Lillie. "The overall numbers were good, but the money crowd just wasn't here this year. Lillie said that the coffers are so dry this year that only he and one other camper will be able to use camp funds for retreat. They'll be in Belize from April 26 through June 14.

Scavenger Hunt Trilogy Success Continues

"Armed Squirrels" are among the easier items to find in the Week 11 Hunt.



With the large number of campers and great weather this year, Run Camp organizers felt confident that the second leg of the camp's annual three-part Scavenger Hunt would be especially successful, and they couldn't have been more pleased.

Each year, campers are divided into threes and asked to participate in the hunts during Weeks 10, 11 and 12. During Week 10, informally known as the "Presidents' Run," campers compete to visually capture the most presidential-reference sightings -- white houses, bushes, Fords, Hardings Markets, etc.

Week 11 at the Kal-Haven Trail has more nature themes for the collections -- exotic and armed animals, for instance -- but there's also a variety of prizes that result from the actions of careless and forgetful humans. Campers usually find several lost Detroit Tiger key chains, high-heeled dress shoes, feather dusters and cocoa butter containers (which must be at least half-full to not be considered "trash," unacceptable on all of Run Camp's Scavenger Hunts).

The Week 12 Scavenger Hunt, for the final one-third of campers, is specific in content requirements, but more conventional, as the winning team contestants typically spend hours knocking on doors in East Side neighborhoods, asking for items. The only items being collected during Week 12 this year are pre-1990 Batman comic books.

Enjoy!

Run Camp University Concept Faces First Test

In an attempt to become accredited as a "Run Camp University," Borgess Run Camp has established its first series of 400-level courses for peer review.

"Phoenix has a University. Sports Center has a University. Heck, I've even heard that Central Michigan has a University," said Chris Crowell, Run Camp co-founder, in explaining the pursuit.

Campus Uniforms (above) Have Been Pre-Selected

"This has been a dream of ours as we've attempted to elevate our status from a rag-tag collection of ne'er-do-wells to runners who have every right to be snobs."

The Council of International Run Camp University Systems (CIRCUS) is reviewing the "Psychological Warfare" course material currently being offered at camp in collaboration with Nike's Just-Do-It University.

"These courses had their origins in camp clinics on How To Brag, Why People Make Excuses, and How To Say No and Still Be Loved," Crowell explained. Course material includes ways to silence people on Facebook, methods of dealing with sibling rivalries and the immensely popular I Know You're On My Team, Dude, But This Is The Only Time I Have To Be Alone!

If accreditation comes through, Run Camp University officials will be seeking tenure and pay raises, raising tuition, looking to convert part of Fontbonne Manor at Nazareth to a student union building and joining a conference, presumably the Big East. "Mostly, though, we just need the status," admitted Crowell.

Given the camp's rich tradition with rodents, mascot selection is expected to be limited.

We Get Letters . . .

To The Editor:

As a Run Camp veteran, I have to tell you I enjoyed the camp a lot more in its heyday -- free puppy give-aways most Saturdays, the Rattlesnake Roundup in the YMCA parking lot, and I loved that week we spent in Hilton Head. You guys have taken all the fun out of it. Is it because Run Camp is so large now?
-- Disappointed in Portage

Dear DIP: Granted, the numbers have taken their toll on "how" we do things, but we still have all the same excitement built into camp. Because of the numbers, we now rely on team leaders for basic communications. Indeed, we conducted the Rattlesnake Roundup last Saturday morning, but did so in the Bronson Trauma Center parking lot (because of the abundant sun and liveliness of the snakes this year). And we gave away a lovely Cocker Spaniel puppy named Argus to Corrine "JimmyTwo" Sallaz. The Hilton Head experience is a little trickier to explain. As it turns out, Run Camp has been moved this coming week from Gazelle to the Coral Sands Resort in Hilton Head, just outside of Sea Pines, with the out-and-back run to the lighthouse at Harbour Town Marina. Research shows that when you try to communicate a date change or location change directly to more than 180 people, you create more problems than you solve, so camp organizers are leaving it up to Team Leaders to communicate the location and course change, and they've been given the option of remaining at Gazelle. As an aside, DIP, note that Run Camp will improve when your attitude does.


Run Camp's Popular 'Name That Goldfish' Contest Still Exits; Just Not As Widely Publicized





To the Editor:

I just read that a stalk of celery gives me 2% of my daily recommended allowance for fat. I have also heard it is a good source of fiber. Does eating 50 stalks of celery a day fit into our training regimen?
-- Confused About Dieting

Dear CAD: The timing of your question is most appropriate, as Run Camp coaches and team leaders are getting an increasing number of questions about nutrition and diet. Stand by for news regarding clinics. Regarding your specific question about celery, those numbers have been re-calculated, and we now recommend eating 100 stalks of celery per day.

Catching up with Kathy . . .

Reader advisory: Unlike much of what is 'reported' on this blog, the following is not fabricated. Just fyi.

Kathy Crepas lost a close family member this past winter. He had been training for a half-marathon, and family members decided to pay their tributes by "finishing it for him." Not being a runner and not particularly liking running, she figured run camp was the best way to get through the training ordeal. She shared with us this note:

"You know why I'm running...it isn't something I would have chosen to do without persuasion. I was pretty focused on the goal of completing a half marathon but dreading the training process because I just don't enjoy running. Run Camp changed all that! Yesterday, while running my four miles I realized that I actually feel like a "runner". What a great feeling. So, thanks for creating an opportunity for me to meet the runners in my group, for giving me the tools to succeed (training guide, instruction in dynamic stretches and injury prevention), and for making the journey fun. It's so fun that I'm not only going to run a half marathon in Madison, WI at the end of May, I just registered for the Borgess run in April. Run Camp is simply amazing. Thanks!"

Gazelle gets into barefoot running, bigtime!

Gazelle Sports has hired a number of new "sales consultants" to help educate runners and would-be runners on the merits of barefoot running.

Although considered a fad by some, barefoot running caught the attention of Gazelle principal Chris Lampen-Crowell in the hot new read, Born To Run. "It's an amazing concept, and our people have to be able to explain it, so we've brought on extra people to do just that," explained Crowell. "I just have this feeling that this craze is made for Michigan runners." (There was no mention of introducing the concept at Run Camp this week.)

The new business ploy is not without its critics, who suggest that Gazelle is walking a dangerous line by telling people not to wear the thing they sell the most of. "I mean, you can only sell so many Patagonia vests," suggested long-time buyer Bill Krasean.

Told that he had been accused of hiring more and more people to sell less and less until everyone in the business has nothing to sell, Crowell responded: "Well, it works for Lam & Associates."

Team Leaders Expected to 'Face The Music' On Overuse of Organization Techniques

Teamwork or excessive organization? (see photos above) Camp organizers will decide. The Plaidiators (below, right) are among those being watched closely.

Tensions are expected to run high at the annual mid-season Team Leader meetings, scheduled for next week, as camp organizers try to bring "excessive organization" under control.

"We kind of have ourselves to blame," said Blaine Lam, who conducts the Team Leader reviews. "In our push to help get 500 people organized, we may have under-communicated the culture's values -- uh, that would be fun and flexibility."

Although Lam doesn't reveal what goes on behind doors with Team Leaders, word has spread that the Plaidiators will be coming under close scrutiny and, potentially, harsh rebuke.

"From what I can see," said a member of the team Farfromstopen, "they're a para-military organization, and the pressure to receive promotions is severe. They have three levels of sergeant -- staff sergeant, drill sergeant and sergeant-at-arms, and I've heard that they use 'Braveheart' as a training film."

Lam is downplaying the sanctions that may be issued to individual teams and Team Leaders, stressing instead the need for all campers to "stay loose."

"I don't want to come in some Saturday morning and find members of PF Flyers taking a pop quiz on anaerobic training techniques," he said.

Annual reviews are typically limited to issues like overuse of color in Team Leader emails, premature showing of spring fashions and car pooling.

Will Brad and Jennifer re-unite at Run Camp?

Experienced Run Campers are suggesting trouble is brewing in this year's Celebrity Series due to what they say is the "controversial coincidence" that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston would be appearing on the same Saturday.


According to more than one source, the two used to be married to one another.

Celebrity scheduler Carrie Hybels says she was unaware of the former love connection between the stars because she had put so much of her effort into booking the female TV star separately from John Mayer. "And we were only talking with Brad Pitt because we couldn't get Johnny Depp," said Hybels.

"Plus, they both had open invitations, and I figured if they both just happened to be there in the same week, what's the problem?"

The problem, of course, is that Aniston runs 9-10 minute pace and Pitt's training pace is closer to 12 minutes a mile. "You tell me how I'm supposed to run with both of them," complained Nancy Vendeville, a member of "Bombshells in Smartwool."

Vendeville also suspects there could be trouble because, "you know, that divorce thing, or worse I suppose, the possibility that a different kind of sparks could fly, if you get my drift."

Camp veteran Heather Hudson doesn't think this will be as controversial as last year's unfortunate pairing of Sarah Palin and Stewy from Family Guy. "That just got ugly," she said.

Pitt and Aniston are scheduled to appear March 6 at the Kalamazoo Family YMCA expedition. Scheduler Hybels was already in a bit of trouble because she had prematurely announced that Michael Vale (of Dunkin' Donuts commercial fame) and Joseph Owades (who invented light beer) would be making the Celebrity appearances, only to find out that both died in 2005.

"It's only February," said Hybels. "Be patient. We'll have the big names in. Besides, a little controversy in the celebrity world is not all bad."

Run Camp Chosen for National Health Study

Borgess Run Camp officials pointed with pride Tuesday to the announcement that their 500-person assembly of talent had been selected as the sole test group for a national study on health outcomes.

A nationally recognized team of researchers will be in camp for the remaining nine weeks looking at the long-term health effect of wearing funny hats.

"I couldn't be more pleased," said Chris Crowell, a funny-hat pioneer of sorts. "I think it's great scientists are finally getting at the root causes of good health." Crowell, in fact, traces his patented "keep moving" phrase to things he heard from other kids when he wore funny hats as a youngster.

Conducting the research will be a team from the University of Kentucky, noted for their landmark study on funny nuns, proving they live, on average, 10 years longer than their sour sisters. "We know that laughing is good for you physically, psychologically, emotionally and socially," said lead researcher Tammy McGraw. "We feel we're just scratching the surface on the role that hats play in that dynamic."

"Well, I feel completely vindicated," said Amy Shaffer, who initially was rejected as a Team Leader candidate because she wore a funny hat to the One One Run. (Her appeal was successful, and after this week's announcement, camp officials admit they weren't even completely aware of the implications of the so-called "Crowell Rule," upon which Shaffer based her appeal.)

Kristen "Pippi" Schmidt also expressed relief after the Pink Puffers' investment in pink hats this past week. "We were kind of out on a limb there, but now we're excited to see if -- as they suspect -- this study proves we'll be 'hat healthy."

One camp critic predicted the study will be a flop. "Don't kid yourself," she said. "All they care about is statistical significance and everyone knows that 400 is the magic number. They chose us because they figured out of 500 campers, they could find 400 mentally stable guinea pigs. Boy, are they going to be disappointed."

Expulsions, Ceremonies, Gang Signs Mark Beginning of Phase II

The Borgess Run Camp's no-nonsense Disciplinary Action Team (DAT) brought down swift and firm justice this week, expelling three campers for being whiners.

"Who DAT?" asked one of the expelled campers, when told she was not only banned, but also prohibited from applying to return until 2014. One of the campers was expelled for complaining there was too much coaching and another was kicked out for complaining there wasn't enough coaching. The third was suspended for being a whining sympathizer, arguing that the other two were just offering constructive criticism.

"The road to whining is paved with good intentions," responded Tessa Emenheiser, acting chair of DAT. "Besides, we can handle the criticism. We really just have a problem with campers taking this stuff seriously. This isn't a military academy, although I must say, meting out discipline as if it were one is kind of fun."

In unrelated action, DAT placed a fourth camper on probation for questioning why Chris Lampen-Crowell would wear a plastic bunny around his neck for his 50-K run, and a fifth camper was suspended indefinitely for suggesting that the Disciplinary Action Committee was mean.

In other camp news, officials were scheduling the annual "Blessing of the Rodents" for Feb. 13. Customarily it is held the third Saturday of camp, though the technical date depends on the relationship between the Superbowl, Groundhog Day and Valentine's Day.

And, while camp leaders have relaxed rules about gang signs, informally they mark the transition into Phase II of camp, when idle minds, endorphins and social support creep into long-run discussions and post-run breakfast meetings. Gang signs should be reported to Bryon Bierema.

Team-Naming Process Draws Ire of Borgess officials

Borgess Run Camp director Janeen Docsa was called on the carpet by her bosses last week to explain why, in the words of one Borgess official, "this year's run camp team names stink!"

"It wasn't an easy meeting, I'll tell you," lamented Docsa. "I explained that, with 500 campers, a lot of our team leaders were pre-occupied with logistics, that kind of stuff. But this is a results-driven organization, and branding isn't a trivial issue."

Docsa conceded that the glory days of team naming may be over, what with the Pink Puffers, the Sharks and Serendipity in retirement. "But, seriously, who would name their team 'Dumbfounded' or 'Spare Change'," Docsa asked, commenting on the latest ideas surfacing with a group of half-marathoners.

While admitting that this year's in-service on "How to Name Your Team" had to be canceled so that Gazelle could show a film on Barefoot Runners We've Known and Loved, Docsa had to issue a reminder to team leaders to get their names submitted as soon as possible.

"At least by the time of my performance review," she added.

It takes all kinds, and we run for a lot of reasons . . .

Not sure why I asked, because typically I just harass campers with smart-aleck comments or set up an opportunity to talk about myself, share the 'meaning of life' or just help them them pass the time.

But for some reason, as I came up alongside a business associate I've known for 22 years and never thought to be a runner, I said, "so, why did you join run camp?"

She explained that her cousin died in his 40s this winter and "we were looking through his stuff and saw that he was training for a half marathon. We decided to finish it for him."

She explained. She started running in December and the family, with some of them running, will meet at the finish line of the half in Milwaukee later this year. As as hard as it hit me then, the full impact of what she's carrying around hit me harder when I tried to tell Bobbie and choked up, which as some of you know, doesn't happen often.

I didn't get her permission to tell you her story so I won't name of my friend here, but merely pass along the notion that yeah, even I forget some of us are out here for more than our health. There's that jerky boyfriend, the lost job, the lost loved one, the sick or lonely friend, and the pressures of everyday life.

And our health is no laughing matter.

So, welcome to the 2010 version of Borgess Run Camp. Whether you're on the road for the first time or on the road again, brace yourself for some cold temperatures, some harassment, some humor and maybe something meaningful for you.

Hope so.

blaine